So I am back from a week of counselling out at Calvary Temple Youth Camp, Senior Girls. It was absolutely incredible and I had a blast. I was also pleasantly surprised with how smooth the week panned out.

Not too long after the girls arrived my kiddos dubbed me Mother Spam and it soon became Mama Spam and just Spam. The name has stuck even until now. I had the greatest cabin out there all week and they became my lil' "spamlets". I miss them a ton and I miss all the rest of the girls, staff and camp in general.

But as always when coming home from camp, it's hard to transition back into civilization. Camp is like a large family enclosed on this beautiful almost island-like area and once it's over, you're out of that protective bubble.

The one thing that kinda bites about it is that all the problems you left at home are still there when you come back; the peaceful serenity erased from your memory. You still have to make many decisions, deal with people who are upset with you, spend time with those you've neglected and get back to business-as-usual.

This year particularly has been pretty hard coming back from camp (it's only been a day and a half, heh). I'm seriously missing my girls a LOT and would rather be peacing out with them on a rock or something at camp than dealing with all my issues and drama here haha! With the moving to Toronto looming over my head, suddenly everything I need to do now has to be crammed into a short amount of time. I'm gone from Winnipeg for 3-5 years....potentially longer, and I need to decide which pieces of my life stay here and which ones follow me. I need to figure out what problems need to be dealt with and which ones can be (forgive me) swept under the rug.

I feel this overwhelming conviction to find all the people that I need to forgive and ask forgiveness of before I can flip the page and enter this new chapter in life. That's a really large amount of people and I fear I don't have enough time to do so. Why is it that we think of these things when we have little-no time to do them, instead of early on?!?!

I have to say goodbye to friends and goodbye to communities I've been attached to for the last little while. I have to say goodbye to my parents, whom I've had around me all my life and suddenly they're no longer there...

Yes, this is a very big transition and I'm praying for grace to handle it all well. I wanna do well in school as well as live a life that's worthy of His calling. It's gonna be an adventure in learning to balance the two. If you think of me, pray for me!


Here's a picture of Mama Spam and her Spamlets, courtesy of Tinholt Photography.



O, and Buey's getting fixed and I'll hopefully get her back in the next couple days!

Blessings

It was the moment I'd been waiting all month for. After many postponals and delays, and after a long day of church and sanctuary, this was finally it. I was finally making my way back to Kansas City for a little while.

I was travelling with Joel, Christina and Steph, though in my car by myself. We had a bit of a late start, but when I jumped out of the Sanctuary doors and did my little "we're going to Kansas City" jig, I didn't care what time it was. I was finally gonna see people who are near and dear to my heart, and I was gonna spend some good much needed God time soaking in the PR.

What the night had in store was not a welcome detour...

I make it to the border. Since I'm currently unemployed and not in school, and because I was there for an extended period of time at the beginning of the month, they hassled me. I sort of half expected it but was praying it wouldn't happen. Anywho, it wasn't as bad as I thought it could've been and within 15 minutes I was on my way. Yes, hurdle crossed!

Everything was smooth sailing and I was feeling the excitement in my bones. It really was happening, I was going to be there by noon on monday!

I made it through Grand Forks (2 hours down, 10-11 more to go). The last sign I saw said 72 to Fargo (miles, not kilometres Canucks). Then the one thing that always crossed my mind but I dreaded happened. Before realizing anything (and i'm still not 100% sure what happened), and going at 75 MPH, all I saw was a cute little deer jump out of the boulevard on my left side.

All I remember is yelling "O MY GOSH" and then hearing a huge thud. Next thing I know, my car is swerving all over the highway, tires are screeching and then I find myself on the shoulder. It took me at least 5 minutes to shake myself out of initial shock and figure out what happened. It took me about 10 minutes to actually walk out of my car and look at what happened. By this point, the people I was with were a few miles ahead of me and it finally dawned on me that I should call them and ask them to turn around. Once they turned around, after a few minutes of processing I call my folks. Praise the Lord that they're calm and collected and not yelling in my ear (not that they're usually like that but it would've been understandable). They advise me to call 911 and figure out some of the basics. 911 transfers me to highway patrol and a guy comes out and meets me.

He was really great and even bended my metal and plastic, deeming my car driveable and let me know that it would probably make it back to Winnipeg. So after some quick hugs and prayers, my friends continued their journey and I made the trek back home.

Canadian border was friendly too. They saw my car, thought I got sideswiped. Once I explained it was a deer and I hadn't been out of the country for more than 5 hours, they let me through and wished me a good and safe trip home. My parents ended up meeting me at the border and my dad drove my car home (it was scary enough driving back to the border...everything that flashed through my side mirrors was a deer in my eyes). Sitting in our van, I started crying. More so because I was reflecting on the fact that I a)made it out alive and b)made it out without a scratch. That situation could have been VERY different and I know the Lord's hand was upon me at that time.

So to try and wrap up the story, I'm home and quite obviously didn't make it to Kansas City. My car is fixable for a crazy amount of money (Praise the Lord for insurance).

I have no clue why I wasn't meant to be there at this time, and it hurts a lot that I'm not. There hasn't been a night that I haven't cried myself to sleep and asked why. Things are blurry in that sense but I'm still learning to trust His perfect leadership of my life and know that there's a reason for the entire thing; even if I never know.

There's much worse things that can happen in life and have happened to others, so I'm counting my blessings. My apologies to all that were anxiously awaiting my arrival. Words on a page will never do justice to the deep regret I feel.

PS - Here are a couple pictures from the wreckage. It's not the scope of the damage but it's as much as I could fit in a couple photos.

If any of you have Gmail , you will know that there's sponsored links that come up near the top of the page with random stuff that somehow pertains to what you were just looking at in your inbox. There's the rare helpful link (none of the Spam recipes that pop up when you empty out the spam folder however....Spam Quiche..how is that remotely appetizing?!) and some fairly interesting quotes that pop up that catch my eye every now and then. I'm not sure what triggered this quote but it struck me as something that I needed to hear (or read for the technical folk out there).

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
- Bill Cosby

It's the second part of the quote that got me the most. Reason being:

My name is Camillia Layne, and I'm a people pleaser.

I've denied this for many years but I suppose admitting is the first step to recovery!

No matter how you slice or dice it, if your key to success is pleasing people, you'll never succeed. I can guarantee that most every decision you make in your life, there'll be someone who won't like it. Some will praise you for your decisions, some will envy you and some will criticize you; it's a part of life that can't be removed.

As for why I haven't learned my lesson yet...I'm not sure. Probably because it's a habit I've had for the majority of my life. Not one of the easiest things to break.

However, for me personally, now is a time to break the habit. Simply because, as stated earlier, no matter what decision I make, it will end up disappointing/angering/annoying someone. Since this is the case, I try to remain as indecisive on decisions as I can (which drives people crazy I'm sure...because it drives me crazy!)

But with serious decisions being thrown at me now (where to live, what school I go to, how I manage my time, etc) I realize that I need to make those decisions for myself, regardless of what it may do to people. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be uncompassionate or ignore what others need from me. But I also don't want the needs of others from me to completely dictate my life.

With all that said, I'll update you a little on what's going on in my life. I've been waiting (rather impatiently) on the college in Toronto to get back to me regarding my admissions for quite a while and they finallly answered back. They accepted me! That brings the emotions of excitement, relief and worry all into one big tangled mess and I get to sort through it. I've decided to accept their offer, which means it's time to move.

This decision makes me sad for a few reasons: I'll be away from Winnipeg and my house of prayer and my church and everything I've ever known for 3 years at the least. It's a brand new city to live in which means basically starting over with a new house, school, church, hopefully a house of prayer and making new friends.

With a chance to start new in those areas, it does mean that I get somewhat of a second chance. I've learned a remarkable amount of things in my short 19 years and this gives me a chance to put them into practice without the shame and guilt of previous mistakes (not sure if that makes much sense).

So with all this newness in mind, I'm going to attempt to start again without the habit of people pleasing. A friend in Grade 10 had written me a note in my yearbook that struck me as profound back then and this post made me think of it again. He said

Camillia, enjoy life and don't live for others approval but for your's and God's alone.


I'm going to seriously try and live that out. It'll be a tough habit to break! They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. If that's true, I should have started to break it a long time ago, and I wouldn't have to put it in writing to understand!

Blessings!