It just keeps going on, with or without notice!

My time in Ontario is drawing to a close. I head back to Toronto tomorrow afternoon (I've been in Ottawa since mid-May). I'll be in Toronto for a week and then....I'm back home!!!

I'm so excited to be going back home. Being away from Winnipeg for the majority of this year has caused me to miss it heaps. I miss my church. I miss SHOP. I miss the community that I have from both places. I miss all of my friends...the ones who, regardless of how I'm feeling, are interested in my life and the things I'm learning every day. I miss my parents and my family! I'm missing IHOP, Kansas City and all my KC peeps lots too.

Long story short...I miss my life.

However, that doesn't mean that I didn't have a good time being away from it all. I absolutely LOVE my family out here and they've been really supportive, generous and helpful in many ways for me.

Actually, a quick time out for a brief mention of my family. My family rocks:)...both sides. We're all close-knit and there for each other whenever we need it. This doesn't mean my immediate family alone (Mom, Dad, 2 sisters)...this is everyone (aunts, uncles, cousins and the like). When I'm out here in Ontario, it's like I'm still at home in the fact that my aunts and uncles take care of me like their own children. We all love each other tons and I'm grateful to God for placing me in a family like this. Once again...my family rocks!

Anywho, as mentioned in another post , I've been out here to decide on school and on whether or not I'm actually moving out here (which is rather sad to think about right now). It seems like what I wanted to happen will be happening.

Though not admitted yet, Seneca College has set up a couple entrance tests for me to take. I feel confident that I'll be able to do them well and in turn receive an invitation to do schooling there. So for now I'll say that I will be moving to Toronto in August, doing school and living with my sister and my cousin Krystal as well.

That means that time will again be brief in Winnipeg and then I'm gone for an extended period of time before any visiting. So I will take the time that I'm back and use it as wisely as I can. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye somewhat permanently, but I'm accepting this as another season of life and moving forward with a cry for "grace, grace" to endure. God has been faithful through it all and I know He'll continue to be faithful. All my trust is in Him whether I see clearly or not. He's so good to me:)

I'm excited! Let the next season in life commence!

Song of Solomon 1:5-6 I am dark, but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, like the tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Solomon. Do not look upon me, because I am dark...

I've been in a serious funk over the last little while. I'm sure there's someone out there who can relate to how I've been feeling. I feel like the first three words of those verses are the truth about my state. I am dark...no but...just dark (of heart).

The past couple months have been a time of discovering the depths of my depravity (which I'll never truly know) and how sinful my heart truly is. As most would recognize, it's important to truly grasp those things but not without grasping the other side of the statement. Here is where my issue lies.

I've lost sight that even in our depraved and sinful state, we're lovely to God. Jesus came into the midst of our muck, and into the pit of our destruction and death to grab us and pull us out. HE chose US before the foundations of the world.

So even though I may be surprised when I discover the sin issues I'm still struggling with, it didn't catch Him by surprise. Even though discovering them devestates me, it isn't new information to Him. Never does He say "WOAH! I didn't see that coming! Seems like she's worse than I thought, bad choice!" No. He's searched me and known me (Psalm 139:1). Yet He still chooses me.

All of this is not news to me either; I've heard it before. However, in the midst of disaster, it's so easy to lose sight of that truth. It's like knowing there's a road that leads to freedom in front of you, but a massive patch of fog is in the way and clouding your view of freedom.

I only wish that over the last couple months, I remembered all of this. Instead of running to God, I've been running away from Him, which has paved a large amount of distance between us. I've been feeling the sting of the distance which has brought me back to discovering this truth all over again.

So I guess this is a mix between a rant and a warning. When you start discovering the darkness of your heart, don't do what I did! Don't just emphasize the darkness of your heart. While that's definitely important, if you just emphasize that, you won't discover the delight that God truly has in you.

I'll end with a quick quote from Mike Bickle:

They (people emphasizing the darkness of heart) have a sincere heart but a closed spirit before God. A closed spirit says, “Jesus, I love You but please forgive me and do not reject me. I swear I will never do this sin again.” In other words, they continually negotiate their relationship with God while they worship Him. The issue is one of understanding God’s affections and in what way He imparts beauty to us in the grace of God so that we can say, “I am dark, but lovely. I know I sin but You are ravished over me.” This is a powerful place of confidence. It empowers us to run to God instead of from Him when we stumble. - Mike Bickle

Blessings